Monday, June 15, 2009

get your hate on

2 peanut butter sandwiches
1 reese peanut butter crunch bar
2 sesame seed bagels with cream cheese

I woke up hating myself this morning. I mean with a serious hate-on. I hate the fact that I can't stick to eating healthy. I hate the fact that I take the easy route at the grocery store as opposed to actually looking for fresh food. I hate the fact that I'm terrible with money. I hate that I'm looking for a place to live. I hate that I was so stressed out I edned up sleepwalking, waking my roommate who thankfully woke me up before i ended up walking out of the building in my underwear. I hate the fact that the only guys who'd touch me with a bargepole happen to be on the remote ends of the continent. I hate the fact that the north end of the city seems remote from where I am. I hate the fact that I have so many things going on, I can't pay attention to any of them.
I hate that I can't save myself, let alone the world.

And it will pass.

Identity is fluid, I believe, and will take the shape of its container. Today, that container is riddled with spikes and scorchmarks, making the liquid appear vile and diseased. Gods help you if you drank out of there. Tomorrow may be a different story. Maybe next week. I can't only hope, I have to act in this. I have to remind myself that it's really not so bad as I think it is. I have to force myself to keep moving on. I have to work with what I've got because it's not like I'm getting anything else. I have to accept that there will be times that I'll catch myself the wrong way in the mirror and be absolutely disgusted. I have to accept that not every project will see an end.

I don't feel quite empty, going back to the container analogy. Instead, I feel like I'm overflowing with the sort of emotional sludge I can barely stand to tread through. The internet is full to bursting with this kind of self loathing so I try to keep it in check but that's not being honest. To be honest, I want to lie in bed and sing along to Daniel Johnston. Instead, after work (I wrote this well before posting it) I'll be looking at a place I already looked at and hope it's in slightly better condition. After that I'm going to start in my bedroom closet, looking for things I don't want or need any more and can throw out or try to sell or donate somewhere.

Maybe I'll take on the cupboard in the living room.

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