I think I left my headphones at the bar last night. I found this out as I finished putting a whole whack of stuff on my iPod today before running out for the bus. I had an extra large triple triple with milk, something I switched to last night and I have to say I prefer cream to milk. The coffee just seems too thin.
Eschewing breakfast, I decided to grab a power bar as meal replacement. I tried the Harvest with peanut butter and chocolate chips as well as a less complicated fibre one granola bar. I had the granola bar slowly and it was fine. I took a bite of the powerbar and it was one of the most absolutely disgusting things I have ever placed in my mouth in my life. It tasted like shame and chemicals. I'm beginning to think there's more to that food by nature concept Matt was talking about the other night.
The granola bar however seriously felt like enough... until the 20 Cherryhill pulled up to Oxford and Mornington. The 17 Oxford East, the bus that comes closest to where I work (not counting the 36 Airport which is rush hour only and never convenient) crept by. It doesn't help that there's a Burger King right on the corner. Why? Because I thought "Jeez I could use a burger right now."
I eat when I'm stressed out. Specifically, I eat horrible, horrible things when I'm stressed out and why? The euphoria of self abuse and self abasement? The idea for something so cookie cutter and simple as a burger and fries to be something to go right and turn around the tide of everything else going seemingly wrong? Well, I already know of many ways I can abuse myself thanks, I don't need this one. Fast food is too easy and it won't turn around a damn thing. I'm thinking of Patton Oswalt's bit on liquor ads, specifically a Dewar's billboard that reads "At least one thing will go smoothly today." Apply that to fast food and the question becomes how terrible does one's life have to be where the only thing that goes right is their mcnuggets aren't stale little chicken bricks.
I actually feel really good about being able to admit that. The first part of changing one's behaviour is being able to recognize it. I've known for a while that when I get stressed out (like now, today, this moment, 2:18 PM) then my first instinct is to hoover a double cheeseburger. I'm not kidding or exagerating, the surface-to-air time from unwrapping to eating has been known to be less than a minute. It was kind of awesome, actually. Still, that's done because I'm done with that. I can recognize it for what it is work through it. Anyone have a suggestion how? Maybe replace the burger with an apple?
Today, I have a feeling, is going to be "raid the stash" day, meaning bagelfuls, salad and yogurt as that is what I have available. The only mildly healthy snack in the vending machine is a blueberry nutrigrain bar... so I had one. Woo! It took almost 5 minutes to eat. I then made myself a cup of mint tea and just spent the last 10 minutes talking restaurants and doughnuts. Another extra large triple triple with milk will be coming my way to hopefully perk me up or keep me bouncey as I get ready to face the evening first at work then at home.
I must say cataloguing my food and drink intake has already had an effect on my choices. Take last night for example. I went to Subway and not Pizza Pizza or McDonald's or any of the greasy spoons that run up Dundas. I got a sandwich half the length I normally get with half the meat I normally get after eating way more salad than I normally eat in a day... that is to say any. When you start being honest with yourself in a public arena, it's near impossible to stop. Such as the peanut butter sandwich (single layer) and half a bowl of cheerios I had upon coming home from the hospital. I could have killed for a pizza I was so hungry but instead I made a small meal and didn't eat a third of it.
At work this afternoon I had chest pains. Being a large man, I have no desire to fuck around with that for an instant. Paramedics were called. I was put on oxygen, felt fine before I got to the hospital and I think as some sort of punishment, I ended up being there from 5:30 to 2:15. My dad and stepmother came for a little while and apparently my roommate was worried. I honestly hate being a bother to anyone.
Well, I just got home, the roommate is concerned and wants me to stop being on the computer as much as I am, go to the gym, etc saying who gives a fuck about the blog if my health sucks? He has a point, not that I'm going to stop posting or go back to the gym, no. I'm much more active lately than I have been over the past few months and I intend to keep that level of activity growing strong. Tomorrow I will be going to the farmer's market for fresh food, stuff easily recognizable by human standards and let me tell you that is a work out.
I'm taking small steps here, that's the point, but they will have the biggest impact.