Wednesday, March 25, 2009

On Gaining, Encouraging, Losing And Finding

There is a difference between grasping the idea and being interested. Personally, I have never been interested in gaining weight on purpose. I am certainly not interested in being encouraged in a pursuit that runs counter to what I want to do.
That being said, if that's what you are into then you're probably not reading this blog in the first place but eh, good on ya! We are what we are ("get in the goddamn car") and society be damned, we should be proud of who and what and why we are. There, everyone, is the point: Self awareness and self acceptance. It's only been pointed out to me that the people who accepted me beforehand accepted the fact that I have put on weight over the years and don't judge me based on that so why should I be so harsh on myself? Have you asked yourself that?
Not that reading something online with little bearing or context will suddenly make the self awareness fairy flutter into your room at night. It took a long time for me to admit that I had blown up slowly over the years from cub into a chub. It took me a long time to decide that it really isn't what I want for myself and it took a long time to get over the guilt over what I've done and admit that I really didn't mind the journey here. I'm overall okay with myself as I am. While I have something I'm working toward in a roundabout way (better food, healthier portions, more exercise), if I never see the inside of size 38 pants again, I won't be heartbroken.
Seven years and a hundred pounds ago I had a similar sense of self assurance. This goes to the next point that should be made so we can stay realistic here: self assurance and self acceptance are not constant and absolute once obtained. Your confidence can shatter, your life can feel like it's in ruins and yes, sometimes you may freak out for no reason, hell I've done it. I'm currently rediscovering that assurance and acceptance which goes back to the intial point: While it counters what I'm doing for myslef I know what I'm doing is not for everybody. The gainers I've met who are honest with themselves and confident in how they look/what they want have that assurance within themselves. There's nothing wrong with it if it doesn't hurt anyone else and makes you feel better at the end of the day.
If you've ever had it before then you can rest in knowing that sense of self is, once achieved, easily recalled. Even if you lose it for a while, you will find it again eventually. If you haven't then it means you're going to have to ask yourself things you don't want an answer to. It's going to be uncomfortable, it's going to make you cry and weep and moan. It's going to feel like you're going to drown in the things you won't admit to yourself. You'll be a better person for it after, I promise.

No comments:

Post a Comment